On the New Year's Eve, I applied to Berklee College of Music's Music Business and Management program, with instrument major in violin. I never thought I'd hear a response from them (how short-minded was I?) then a few weeks after I got scheduled for an audition and interview. It was really, really really really unexpected, I was rushed with all the stuff. I was only given a week before facing the admission faculty (I owe Mr. Hengky and Mr. Brian a lot!) So my father and I flew to Singapore and stayed in my aunt's apartment again. A few hours after we landed, we went to the School of the Arts, where the audition would take place.
Being brave is not my strongest suit but they told me that I was very calm-- the most relaxed participant they've met. I did a mistake and I smiled. I put my hands inside my pocket and my body just swayed around-- I never thought my body could have 'casual' conversation. I spoke with no hesitation, FINALLY.
One thing that made me feel relaxed was how T-shirt became the audition formal-wear. I love these people!
I was surprised by their reaction because I was often the most anxious one. They seemed to appreciate that. I was just an autodidact violin learners, with only a few number of classes taken in violin, but I somehow auditioned in front of them... I played in front of the dean faculty of admission of Berklee, who could've walked away so easily in the middle of anyone's performance. I did the aural test as well-- thankfully four years in ABRSM Classical Piano training came in handy, although I still forgot some of the part.
Once I walked out the audition room, I felt so, empowered (I really mean that word). There was actually wind breezing all over my place (it was somehow possible, since the school was not really -indoor- at all). All the insecurities, anger towards those bullies I faced for almost three years, seem nothing to me. Yes, I failed to live up to other people's expectations, and I do not feel sorry now-- I feel thankful that they've felt that way instead. It is my fuel, so I can go somewhere.
Did I learn something? A lot.
I discovered that it is, my one true love. It is my passion.
Throughout my performing experience, I did not hang out with the other cast or orchestra members as expected. Same thing always happened when I was on the other group. I was often left. My parents seemed to be concerned about that-- which made me feel upset. The fact that they noticed such thing, strike my heart and the wound was left untreated. But did I quit? Have I ever thought of skipping one rehearsal? There was always something greater than my fear, shame and anger. It is one thing that I'd possibly exchange for my legs, which I won't use for running or playing soccer. One thing that I'll definitely do if it is going to be the last thing I do. One thing that I want to share with whoever I'll spend the rest of my life with. One thing that will always call me for whoever I am. It is what comes in and out of my head when I feel sick. It is what makes me happy-- a cliche but it is a truth.
Also, I learned that I am capable of doing things, after all. I was finally able to let my weight off, to let all the worries about what happens next. Berklee was a huge deal. Yes. I wonder if I could get accepted or not, but since I could not pay the application fee, I would never even know. Ever. It surprised me that it did not bother me. Finally! No regret! I was just relieved that I tried. That's all I needed.
It is kind of dream deferred for now. But for any traces I left, convergence is the key word to describe them. The reasons of me doing things, are hugely affected by my passion. I just take the longer road-- hey nothing happens in instant.