Cardiac Arrhythmia

Remember Kayla Ferell from America's Next Top Model cycle 15? That closeted lesbian who finally turned out into a fierce red-haired woman along the competition? 
She is currently joining the current cycle of ANTM (All Stars America's Next Top Model)


--I've personally grown as a better person, an art-enthusiast who will kill to learn and be anything I want since I watched that lol
And there's something that I'd like to share.

Current photos of Kayla in this cycle 

It was the fourth episode of this cycle, that has made me think about something.

After Kayla told us how surprised she was when Isis was eliminated, Kayla felt dizzy and she was kind of asthmatic (which freaked everyone out).Then she was urged to the hospital and once she came back, she told everybody that she's diagnosed with Cardiac arrhythmia, which I think it's called "Gangguan Irama Jantung" in Indonesia.

This is how it all started.

As you all know that my grandma is diagnosed with stadium III cancer and the chemotherapy causes her heart to weaken. We definitely have a blood pressure monitor with addition of a heart rate monitor. 

Once I was asked to check my blood pressure and heart rate, everyone was shocked. 

It was sort of controversial in my house and everyone started to tell me everything that I should do

(such as eat more vegetables!)

(oh, and I still don't know why I've almost never eaten any in my life)

Years of not enough fiber diets, lack of vitamins and perhaps full of proteins and carbohydrates (+fats). How one earth can I reach 30 now?

(NOTE: My blood pressure and heart rate aren't always high or low. It changes. Depends on the situation. I'm easily panicking.)
I do feel that they are right but there's a part of me that thinks food can't be the cause. I really knew that it is something came from my mind. 
Apparently, it is actually possible. My doctor said it could be the problem with the heartbeats or maybe stress-related thing.


Well, I do consider that one too.
I've never been frustrated with anything, but my choice for my future. 
Y'all know that I love everything and I would like pursue my passions on them. But passion is not enough.

I need to be determine and I need to focus on something in my life.

I feel like a numb. I'd rather be a stone than a person who eventually has to decide which path would he take. If that didn't appear in my mind in one day, I might have gone from this world.

I am not rich so my financial condition won't be as safe as those who are. 
My parents have limit (I hate saying this). 
And every single thing I do, every path I walked, everything that I've thought will affect every single thing in my life someday. I can't take it easy because it's a huge deal. Almost like a live-or-die situation. 


I envy people who have already decided what would they want to do in the future.
I do have the DECISIONS, not DECISION. 


It's like cardiac arrhythmia. I'm out of tempo. 
Everything is unbalanced in my life. 

Wish I could be free
 and don't have to decide
at the same time.